Drag Race
by Dr.E. Vance
Summary: Lana is kidnapped in Metropolis and Clark and Lex have to rescue her by any means necessary. And I mean ANY, which ends up getting Lex and Clark trapped in a complicated plot, controlled by Lionel, to reveal Clark's secret. NEW CHAP. UP!
1. ChApTeR OnE

**Disclaimer – I do not own any of the characters or the show. And technically, the idea came from two different places, but I'll explain that in a minute. . . **

**A/N – well the first part came from my friends and I thinking what one of my male friends would look like in drag and the second was when I saw "Sorority Boys", which the actor who plays Lex is in. So, I'll stop stalling and enjoy! **

ChApTeR OnE

Clark sighed as he tapped his pen on the notebook he was trying to do Math in. Instead, he was staring longingly at his telescope wishing he could stare through it and look at the stars.

Clark was enveloped in silence until the loud, unrelenting voice of his father called up to him.

"CLARK! PHONE CALL!"

"Coming!" Clark called back in glee as he ran down the stairs, not caring who it was, glad to get relief from the plague they call math.

Jonathan handed his son the phone with a wink. Clark looked quizzically at him but smiled back as he put the receiver to his ear.

"Hello?"

"Clark?" the voice sounded vaguely familiar but it was slightly muffled.

"Who is this?" Clark laughed nervously as he was met with silence on the other end.

"God, Clark! You have to help me!"

"Lana?" Clark's face grew dead-straight serious and he moved into another room.

"I don't have much time until they find me again! You've got to get me out of here!"

"Where are you? I'm coming!" Clark was ready to blast out the door.

"NO! They know something about you. They say they've got green meteor rocks ready. I don't know what that means!"

"Alright. Where are you?"

"Some club. It's in Metropolis. Oh, Clark! Don't tell anyone else about this if you don't have to."

"Okay. Don't worry. I'm coming." Clark reassured her and was about to hang up when Lana stopped him.

"And Clark?"

"Yeah?"

"It's an all girl's club. You'll have to find some back way of getting in. There is no way you can waltz through the front door." Despite the situation, Lana seemed pretty calm. Clark opened his mouth to ask her what he was supposed to do but was met with silence as the phone line was dead.

Clark ran out of the livingroom and grabbed his coat.

"Where you off to so late?" his father scoffed.

"I'm going to Lex's." he was halfway out the door already.

"Of course you are." He laughed to himself.

**If any of you have any idea where this is going, don't spoil it for everyone else! **


	2. ChApTeR TwO

**I know this is probably pretty lame, but I had this idea and just HAD to share it with y'all! **

ChApTeR TwO 

Clark burst through the doors of Lex's mansion and went into the living space without knocking. In front of him was Lex talking to Chloe. They both looked up startled and Clark wondered what they were talking about, but not for long because he had more important things on his mind.

"What's wrong Clark?" Lex got up and Chloe joined him.

"It's Lana. She's been kidnapped." Clark announced. Worry creased Chloe's face.

"Did you ever think calling the police was better then coming here?" Lex raised an eyebrow.

"She managed to call me. She told me not to tell anyone else cause they're willing to take desperate measures." Okay, so he made that part up, but he needed help since he couldn't use his powers and Lex was his best bet.

"Well, what are we waiting for! Where is she?" Lex headed for the door.

"In Metropolis. An all girls club." Clark coughed and looked to the floor.

"How are you supposed to get in? I mean, sure you have Lex but it's all girl. I doubt they'd even let him in!" Chloe pointed out.

"So what are we going to do?" Lex gently placed his hands in his pockets and scanned his two friend's faces.

"I don't know. I thought maybe you had an idea."

"Well, I would help but I'm not really "save the kidnapped" type of person despite the fact I'm a girl. So unless you have some clever disguise. . . " Chloe trailed off at the end and smiled at Clark, trying desperately hard not to laugh.

Clark seemed to catch on after awhile and his mouth opened slightly in shock and he dropped his coat on the floor. Lex on the other hand, had no idea what was going on. Yet.

"What? What's the matter?" Lex questioned them. They both faced him, Chloe still trying not to laugh and Clark biting his lip looking very worried.

Lex finally realized what the plan was.

"Oh no. No way!" Lex began to back away.

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Lana sat tied to a chair in a damp room. A tall blonde walked up to her and laughed.

"There's no way your friend can get in. Last time I heard, he wasn't a women!" she bent down so she was face to face with Lana. Lana spit in her face. The blonde slapped her.

"They'll find a way to save me. I don't even know why you want me!"

"Because. You have special connections to Clark. He has something I want. Simple as that."

"Well, they'll find a way in somehow. They better . . ."

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Neon sparkling lights danced in different colors above the club door. It was pretty small but not inconspicuous.

I mean the damn club's called the "PussyFoot", come on!

Anyway, four pairs of legs made their way to the door. They paused just outside. Both took a deep breath in and out.

"Let's just get this over with huh, Lex?"

"Let's just do this." They pushed the doors open and standing there in the doorway were Clark and Lex dressed as women.

Lex was much more convincing than Clark, as he was of a smaller figure. Lex was wearing a curly, red hair wig (think of short and curly like Shirley Temple). He had chosen a short pink dress with thick straps and very uncomfortable high heeled shoes. In his hands he clutched a cherry red handbag.

Clark had on a long dark brown wig. His dress was longer than Lex's and it was blue and sparkly. A matching blue shawl was draped over his shoulders to hide his muscled arms and he was in flat footed shoes for his feet were too big for heels.

Both had makeup done by Chloe the best she could because she kept laughing as she was applying it. The two men surveyed the room full of women. The only men occupying the room were the waiters.

"And why couldn't we pretend we were waiters?" Lex whispered angrily to Clark.

"I don't know but shush, someone's coming." Clark was right as he pointed to a waiter approaching the pair.

"Welcome ladies, please come in." He placed his hand on the small of Lex's back and pushed him along. Lex cringed. Clark laughed.

"Well at least there's no one here we know. . ." Clark looked around at the other women some drinking, some playing games and others sitting and talking.

"Oh crap." Clark heard his best friend whisper.

"What?" and Clark followed Lex's shaking finger to a corner where a group of men were standing and talking.

And right in the middle was no one other than Lionel Luthor.

They had a problem.

**Well, did it get funnier? I don't think anyone's used this idea yet, huh?**


	3. ChApTeR ThReE

**I'm on a roll just because I'm having a great time writing this! I'm sure you're wondering why Lionel and his friends were let in, well they have special connections with the owner. Nuff said. **

ChApTeR ThReE

"What are we going to do now huh, Clark?" Lex looked up at Clark.

"Well, that door back there could lead to Lana. We just have to get there quickly."

"Quickly! I can barely walk in these shoes!" Lex motioned towards his feet.

"Well, let's just go." And the two of them tried their best to not fall. They approached the group of laughing men and almost made it past until . . .

"Hey ladies hold up!" Lionel's distinct voice called out to Lex and Clark. The two boys skidded to a stop and cringed looking at each other. They slowly turned and faced Lionel. "Well, well. Haven't seen your faces around before. You new?" Lionel approached them.

Clark cleared his throat and put on his best fake woman voice, which wasn't very good.

"Uh, yes. Totally new."

"Well then, hello." Lionel eyed Lex, fake breasts and all. "I'm surprised I haven't seen you. Such a beautiful young lady couldn't have missed my eyes. What's your name?" He smiled. It took Lex a minute to realize that his father was talking to him.

"Um, my name?" He to put on his best woman's voice. "It's um . ." he looked nervously up at Clark and then back at his father who at the moment had no idea the woman he was hitting on was his son. "My name is . . . Lexiss!" he blurted out.

"Ah, 'Protector of Mankind'. Very nice. Can I buy you a drink?" Lionel invited and Lex's eyes widened.

"Excuse us." Clark pulled Lex off to the side. "This could help us. You could keep him busy in case he's involved in this."

"You do realize that my father is hitting on me, his only SON!" Lex leaned in and whispered. Clark ignored him and pushed him back to Lionel and walked off trying to make his way to the door.

"So what about that drink?" Lionel swirled the ice in his empty glass seducingly. Lex looked like he was about to cry.

"Sounds like fun!" Lex tried to act cheery all the while cursing Clark under his breath as Lionel lead Lex to the bar.

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Meanwhile, Clark was managing to push past everyone getting closer to the door every step. He was only stopped for a moment when a waiter stopped him to ask if he wanted anything. Finally reaching the door, he made sure no body was looking and twisted the knob.

He slipped in and was face to face with a maze of hallways.

"Aw, shit." He cursed and shuffled forward, his sparkly blue dress constricting his movement.

Clark reached a fork in the giant maze and bit his lip, finally choosing right. At the end of the hallway was a door. He turned the knob but it was locked. Using his super strength, he broke the knob and pushed the door in only to be met with more hallway.

"I hope Lex is doing okay." He sighed as he continued to trudge on.

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Lionel handed Lex, or Lexiss, a glass of scotch, brushing his hand gently.

"I've never met a woman who drank scotch before."

"Well, I like to be daring!" Lex tried to joke. Lionel motioned for him to sit.

"So, where are you from?"

"Um, Illinois!" was the first thing that popped into Lex's head.

"That's a long way."

"Visiting friends." Lex sighed, tired of using this fake woman's voice already and disturbed at knowing that his father was flirting with him. After a short pause, uncomfortable for Lex, but not so much for Lionel, Lionel spoke.

"I have a private lounge room behind the bar, if you want to join me for a more silent conversation." Lionel leaned in a little and smiled.

"Oh, I don't know . . . I mean. . . well . . . I should wait for my friend. ." Lex was panicking as he desperately searched for an excuse, any excuse, to get out of it.

Suddenly, Lex felt a finger placed gently on his lips. Lex's eyes widened when he realized it was his father's.

"Shhh. . . " He leaned in closer. "Relax." Lionel removed his finger and leaned in. It was all Lex could do not to scream bloody murder and run out the door. Just as their lips were about to touch, Lex stood up and brushed his dress.

"So what about this room?" he nervously laughed.

**This is my favorite chapter so far! Don't worry folks. There's no incest between Lionel and Lex. Not much anyway. . . just a kiss that will scar Lex for life. I'm not spoiling anything, you all knew it was coming! **


	4. ChApTeR FoUr

**YAY! Chapter four already! I didn't think people would like this. If I could, I would have this go on forever but I know that would be impossible and it would get boring after awhile. . . **

ChApTeR FoUr

Clark by now had practically given up. He had gone through hallways and doors and had found nothing except more hallways and more doors. He had given up hope but decided to try one more door.

He kicked the door in and saw a long hallway. Down near the end, of what he could see, was another door. He smirked.

"Now we're getting somewhere. I hope Lex is okay."

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Lex let his father lead him into a room in the back. It was nice, he had to admit. Bright and warm. . . but he couldn't let himself get tangled up in it. All he had to do was make sure his dad didn't try to kiss him again.

"I see you like it?" Lionel sidled up behind Lex, startling him. "Sorry. Please, sit. Can I get you anything?"

"No. . . thank you." Lex sat, careful not to spread his legs the way he wished he could.

"So . . ." Lionel sat uncomfortably close. "What shall we talk about?"

"Um, your last name doesn't happen to be Luthor now does it?"

"Why, yes. How observant of you, but I'm sure you've never seen my face before and I never told you my first name. How'd you guess?"

Great. He knew that was coming. He mentally slapped himself for saying that but turned his head and smiled the sweetest smile he could muster.

"Oh, I ask all the guys that. I've always wanted to meet a Luthor." Lex couldn't believe he just said that . . . to his father. Although, despite all of this, it was nice to see his father acting so uncold and kind to someone.

"Do you now? Well, you've finally met one." He leaned in EXTREMELY unnervingly close to Lex's face. "Now what do we do?" A smile danced in both his eyes and on his mouth. Lex tried not to moan.

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Meanwhile, Lana waited for Clark to come. The blonde was pacing around in front of the door is if waiting for someone. Suddenly something struck Lana. And it wasn't the palm of the blonde's hand this time either.

"Hey." Lana called.

"What?" the blonde walked over.

"If you want Clark to come, why did you bring me to an all girl's club and say that you bet he wouldn't show?" Lana whispered. What the blonde didn't know was that Lana had a knife and had slowly been working her way through the ropes on her hands.

"What did you say?" the blonde leaned her head in. Lana whammed her head into the blonde's enough to stun her a moment. Then Lana untied her leg ropes and sprang up landing a drop kick to the blonde's head and knocking her out. Panting, Lana looked down at her.

"They're right. Dumb blonde." Lana took one last glance before running out the door.

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Clark had removed his shoes because they weren't really made for walking. He was really about to turn back and give up when he heard the sounds of running feet approaching him. He was getting ready to fight, but a familiar body turned the corner.

"Hello?" Lana called out and almost bumped into Clark. "Oh, god! Who are you!" Lana seemed to start panicking as she raised her fist.

"Stop! Lana! It's me!" Clark said in his normal voice. Lana squinted her eyes up at the person standing in front of her.

"Clark?" she said, her voice shaking as she tried very hard not to laugh.

"Yes it's me." He sighed in embarrassment. Lana saw the shoes clutched in Clark's hand and she couldn't contain herself any longer. She collapsed on the floor with hysterical laughter. "Yes, I know."

"Do you have a voice? Do the voice!" she gasped out.

"Lana, we should really go. . ."

"Okay, okay." She finally stood and regained control of herself and the pair began to walk the long trek back.

"I hope Lex is doing alright." Clark said his thought aloud.

"Lex is here too?" Lana had no idea.

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Lex didn't know what to do. He couldn't leave but he desperately wanted to but his father was acting nice (maybe a little too nice). Lionel reached out his hand and placed it gently on Lex's arm.

Lionel put his other hand on Lex's chest, right where his heart was. Lex held his breath to stop himself from screaming. Lionel removed his hand from Lex's arm, but not from his chest.

"Your heart's beating very fast."

"Is it really?" Lex managed to squeak out.

"Yes. Very fast indeed." Lionel leaned in and trapped Lex in the corner.

"Dear god." Lex moaned under his breath. He was trapped and could not get away. This was incest! Lex could hear a very familiar voice from outside the room calling his name. It was Clark! He had to get away!

Lionel was leaning in closer and closer and Lex yelled the only thing that came to mind that would move Lionel away.

"RAPE! RAPE!" he screamed as he pushed Lionel away and ran out the door. "RAPE!"

**I was going to just finish it off in this chapter but decided to write at least one more for you guys. **


	5. ChApTeR FiVe

**Yay! I feel loved! This may or may not be the last chapter. I'll see how this goes. Probably will be the last after all. . . **

Clark and Lana were running the best they could through the crowd, while four big, muscled guards were chasing them. Clark had been calling Lex to tell him that they were getting out of the building.

Lana was scanning the place looking for plain old Lex – not Lex in the same get-up as Clark. Suddenly, the pair noticed a woman dart out from somewhere behind the bar. At first neither knew what it was yelling, but they finally heard it.

"RAPE! RAPE!" Lex continued to scream even though he was far away from his father. He felt very invaded and thought he would never feel the same way again. What a drama queen.

"Lex!" Clark waved his arm so Lex could see. Lana looked around – she didn't see Lex anywhere. Then she saw the same woman who ran from the bar make a beeline towards Clark and Lana. Then it hit her as soon as the person was close enough.

"OH MY GOD! LEX!" she screeched with laughter as Lex finally reached the pair, almost twisting his ankle while he was running. Clark took a hold of one of Lana's arm and Lex grabbed the other and they began to drag her out the door.

The only problem was Lex's shoes again, which kept slowing them down. Clark finally gave up and picked Lana up and began carrying her out the door, his shoes left far behind.

Lex began to slack behind and finally jumped under a table and had enough time to remove his shoes. Grabbing his purse he dove out from the table and ran to catch up. The four guards were still close behind the three of them.

Clark, still carrying a hysterically laughing Lana, and Lex zoomed out the front door.

"Where's your limo?" Clark looked around. But it was gone. Even Lana stopped laughing and Clark finally put her down.

"What are we going to DO!" Lex was beginning to panic. The four guards were almost out the door and on top of them when tire wheel's screeched next to them.

They turned to face a limo, still running. The door flung open and there was Lionel.

"Ladies! Get in!" he yelled as the guards made their way out the door and were heading towards the trio. Lex hesitated a moment but Clark, who was already in, grabbed his wrist and pulled him inside, slamming the door behind him.

The driver tore off and the guards stood in the dust shaking their fists and cursing. It was a very big limo and in no time it was heading down the road towards Smallville. They had a while to go and Lana had scooted all the way in the back and feel asleep. Clark, still dressed the way he came in sat with her.

Lionel and Lex were left alone.

Again.

Lionel had been sitting across from Lex but mysteriously appeared next to him. And awfully close, I might add.

"I felt we had a connection back there, despite your out break before. Quite a connection . . ." Lionel smiled seductively as he rolled up the glass that separated the pair from the driver and Clark.

Lex screamed, but it was strangely muffled. . .

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Clark told the driver to drop them off a mile away from his farm just to be safe. Clark and Lana stepped out from the limo while Lex fell out of it. Before the car sped off, Lionel rolled down the window and waggled his fingers at Lex.

Clark and Lana watched the limo speed off then approached Lex.

"Lex, why's your dress . . ." Clark began, but Lex glared at him.

"And why is your lipstick smeared?" Lana asked.

"I don't even want to talk about it, but let's just say I think I will be scarred for life."

They finally made their way to the Kent farm. Clark and Lex took a deep breath in and, Lana in the middle, approached the door. Clark pushed the door open and as we fade away we can hear . . .

"Clark is that you?"

"Lex? Oh my god . . ."

And then there was hysterical laughter.

I wonder why?

**Ta da! The end! What'd ya think? I was thinking of writing of writing a short sequel about Lex and Lionel afterwards and Lex finally revealing what Lionel did and maybe I'll tell you what ACTUALLY happened in the limo. . . but I won't write it unless I get a lot of people asking for one. **


	6. ChApTeR SiX

**I'm FINALLY back with this story which will make the. . . hold on. . . one. . . two. . . three. . . seventh story I have going. There's (including this) four on fanfiction and three on fictionpress. Nice huh? **

**I decided, instead of making a completely different and separate story, I would just add onto this one and make it longer. **

ChApTeR SiX 

By now, Clark had changed back into regular clothes and was now in the pickup driving a mopey Lex back to the mansion. Clark couldn't help but feel bad for him. I mean, it must've been tough to be . . . what ever happened to him . . . by his father.

Finally getting to the mansion, Clark stopped close to the door.

"You want me to come in with you?" Clark offered. "It doesn't look like anyone's home."

"Good." Lex responded as he gently stepped out, careful not to hurt his already twisted ankle. "I'll have time to get all this crap off. I'll see you later Clark. Best not mention this to anyone else, huh?"

Clark watched, making sure he was in, and drove off laughing. Why would he WANT to tell anyone about this?

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Lex limped into the mansion and immediately made his way to the first floor living area. He turned on the lights and tossed his shoes in the corner and collapsed on the long, leather couch, exhausted.

He was about to drift off to sleep when there were foot steps and a terrible screech and the sound as metal hit the floor. Lex sat up and saw in the doorway one of his maids standing stock still, the contents of the platter she was holding decorating the floor and bits of the wall.

"Who . . . who are you!" she trembled pointing an accusing finger as Lex began to get up and move closer to her to try to calm her down. "I'm warning you! I've got a taser! " she threatened, reaching a hand into her apron pocket.

Lex kept moving. He didn't believe her. How could she get one in the first place? The Luthor's normally didn't give their service staff weapons on the first day. They waited at least a year for that.

"It's okay . . ." Lex tried to reassure her but it was no use as he felt about 50,000 volts run through his body and his world faded to black.

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Lex blinked, his vision temporarily distorted. He was on the couch again and he gently moved his arms to rub his eyes. When he looked again, there was a strangely familiar face peering into his.

"DAD!" he jumped and pushed himself up.

"What?" said Lionel.

"Um, uh . . ." Lex noticed himself in the same attire as he had been the entire night.

"It's okay. She's new. How did you get in?" he put a hand on his shoulder. Lex pulled away and tried to think of a decent lie.

"I . . . uh . . . I realized the driver left me off far from my house. I walked until I saw here. I . . . um . . . recognized this as the Luthor mansion from. . . TV. . . and thought you wouldn't mind. I didn't think anyone was here."

"Your feet must ache." Lionel smiled at Lex and winked before calling a maid over. "Get some warm water to soak Lexiss' feet with." The maid began to walk away but Lionel called her back. "Oh, and give me that taser. We don't want anymore accidents."

Lionel turned to face Lex. Lex tried to smile politely at his father, knowing he couldn't keep his secret forever.

"Thank you . . ."

"I thought that maybe we could discuss what happened in the limo . . ."Lionel's smile was all teeth. Lex cringed for the millionth time that night.

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Meanwhile, back at the Kent farm, Clark was looking around on the computer for the blonde woman. Lana was home and probably asleep and Clark should've been too, but his curiosity overpowered him.

So far he had come up with nothing and was about to close up when he spotted something he hadn't looked at yet. He opened it and smiled.

"Oh . . . yeah . . ." Clark smiled.

"Clark?" Jonathan called and began walking up the loft stairs. Clark quickly closed the computer and embarrassingly smiled at his father. "You weren't looking at pictures of outer space again were you Clark? You know we discussed this . . ."

"I wasn't dad." Clark lied.

"Alright. Well, it's time for bed Clark. We'll talk about tonight in the morning." Jonathan began walking down the stairs. Clark made sure he was gone and opened the computer again.

He took a last look at the picture of the moon on his computer. It was the next best thing next to looking at Lana. Clark suddenly felt very paranoid and closed up. He yawned and went inside and eventually climbed into bed.

He'd look for the blonde when he woke up in the morning. . .

**(-----------------------------------------------------------------------------)**

Lex yawned and sat up, rubbing his eyes sleepily. Morning light poured lazily into the room through flaxen curtains and warmed the floor. Lex took in his surroundings and saw he was in a bed. It was one of the mansions guest beds and it wasn't as comfortable as his own.

He sat there, covered in down covers, and tried to remember how he got into the bed in the first place. And why he was wearing strangely familiar pajamas. He remembered seeing them before, but they certainly weren't his.

"Oh, yeah. . ." he said in his normal voice and went to scratch his head and felt the wig. It really itched and he wondered how it managed to stay on while he slept.

_That night, after Lionel had soaked Lex's (or Lexiss') feet in warm water he apologized (apologized! His father!) for what he did in the limo._

_Lex had then tried to say he had to leave when Lionel had offered the guest bed to him. Lex wanted to decline but it sounded so tempting. . . and anyway, if he did leave that night, where would he have gone? It was one o'clock in the morning at that time. _

_Lionel had then ordered the maids to clean up the room and the bathroom as he personally went to find Lexiss some clean pajamas to temporarily wear. When he had come back, the pajamas were neatly folded and when Lex shook them out, the creases of where they were folded were still visible, giving Lex a clue they had been folded for quite sometime. They looked so familiar. . . _

_Lex had gotten changed quickly and privately in the bathroom and climbed immediately into the bed, absolutely exhausted. Lionel had poked his head in then and smiled at Lex, but a hint of woe floated across Lionel's eyes when he saw Lexiss in the pajamas. . . _

Lex stretched again and finally got up. His borrowed clothes from the night before were not where he left them, leaving him nothing to wear except the pajamas. Since he technically lived there, Lex made his way down to the dining room no problem.

Lionel was already there reading the paper and he looked up to see Lexiss standing sleepily in front of him.

"Good. . ." he began but was interrupted.

"Where are my clothes?" Lex asked in his normal voice accidentally and his eyes widened as he hoped his father didn't notice.

"That was. . . deep." Lionel looked utterly confused. _Not as confused as when he finds out who I really am,_ Lex sighed and put on his fake voice, but not after pretending to clear his throat.

"My throat gets dry when I wake up sometimes. Those frogs, you know!" Lex giggled and made a mental note to beat Chloe up for this later.

"Join me for breakfast. A. . . well, this girl Chloe is going to stop by later for an "interview" with me instead of my son who is oh so "coincidentally" missing. She's fashionable. I'll compromise. You know, I'll interview if you take my. . . friend shopping."

"We're friends, are we?" Lex heard himself ask and wondered where that came from.

"Why, do you want to be more?" Lionel lowered his paper and stared at Lex over his glasses.

"Not in this lifetime. . . not ever." Lex mumbled and sat in one of the chairs, ready to eat.

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**Are you glad I'm back with this? I am. As good as before? Let me know. . . by reviewing. No flames, please. **


	7. ChApTeR SeVeN

**Yawn. . . so sleepy. . . but must. . . write. . . Hey! Where are all the people who asked for a sequel? I'm doing one. . . kind of. . . **

ChApTeR SeVeN

Clark had finally gotten up late in the morning and stumbled downstairs to the impatient faces of his parents. Jonathan stood from where he was sitting but Martha stayed put.

"Son, I want you to explain exactly what you were doing in a dress last night, why you came home so late and what Lex was doing with you!" he ordered and Clark didn't have much of choice. He sat down and explained the whole thing.

When Clark finished, Martha pulled the tape recorder out from under the table and turned it off.

"You. . . you were recording the story!" Clark panicked.

"Yep. We need narration to go with the pictures we're getting developed in another hour or so." Jonathan stretched and acted like everything was perfectly normal.

"I have to say, it was very noble of you two to go to such great lengths to help Lana. Did you find out who this blonde woman is?" Martha asked as she inspected the tape.

"No. I was thinking of going back to the club with Chloe and asking if we could see the security tapes or something. I don't think they'll recognize me." Clark grabbed his coat and went to find Chloe, who he knew was at the Luthor mansion.

"Be careful Clark!" Martha called after her son as he sped away using his super speed. She then turned to her husband and smiled. "Shall we go get some pictures developed? They should make wonderful Christmas cards."

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Because he had no other clothes, Lex was forced to pull on the same dress he was wearing the night before. Lex was now impatiently waiting for Chloe to arrive with hope that maybe she could get him out of this mess.

The front door burst open and shoes clicked down the hallway and were making their way into the living area. It was Chloe and she too seemed impatient as she waited for Lionel. Lex tried to sneak away or hide so Chloe wouldn't see him but it was too late.

"Hi, do you know where . . . Lex?" Chloe put a hand over her mouth to stifle the laughter when Lex turned around to face her. She had totally forgotten about the night before. Lex's bare feet slapped on the cold floor as he ran up to her and shushed her.

"My Father doesn't know it's me. He still thinks I'm a girl."

"What are you talking about?" asked Chloe and Lex remembered that she wasn't there when everything happened. So while they waited for Lionel to show, he explained everything.

"Oh. . . wow. Some adventure. So he has no idea you're you?"

"Nope."

"Kinda funny. I mean you have a figure that could pass as girly but your still not very convincing are you?" Chloe pulled at a strand of his wig and it bounced back into a curl. Lex sighed and was about to scratch at his head again when Lionel walked in.

"Ah, Miss Sullivan. I see you've met my. . . well, we seem to be at a crossroads as to what we would call each other aren't we?" Lionel winked at Lex and Lex resisted the urge to roll his eyes. He instead glowered, his head in his hands. "Somebody's in a bad mood today. I wonder why. . ."

_Hmm. . . I wonder. . ._ thought Lex sarcastically as Lionel approached the two sitting on the couch.

"Um, Mr. Luthor if we could begin. . ." Chloe pressured and Lionel raised a finger to silence her.

"Yes, well I'm afraid we'll have to reschedule."

"But. . ."

"Something important came up that I can't afford to miss. I do have one favor to ask of you though. . ."

(--------------------------------------------------------------------------------)

" I AM NOT TRYING THAT ON!" Lex screeched and Chloe and Lana sushed him. "I refuse to be subject to this torture! Why do I have to try it on? Can't we just buy it!" he hissed to the two females standing in front of him.

"Look. All you have to do is try on this one pair of jeans so we know your pant size, okay?" Chloe held the low rise jeans out to him. Lex stared angrily at the two girls before snatching them out of her hands.

"Your not coming in with me!" he snapped. Lana put up her hands as if surrendering. Lex marched off the dressing room and the two girls followed to make sure he came out.

(Five minutes later. . .)

"Come on out, Lex. . .iss." Lana begged and remembered to call him by his girl name.

"NO!"

"Are they too small?" Chloe asked, her arms crossed, obviously frustrated.

"Too big? Too low?" Lana tried it guess.

"No. . ." Lex moaned.

"Then what the hell's the problem!" Chloe threw her hands up in the air. The door to the dressing room finally swung open and Lex had managed to pull the jeans on under his dress.

"They're a little. . . too. . .tight." Lex glowered and signaled down there. Chloe sniggered.

"Oh. . . I forgot about that. . . thing. Sorry. We can stick to guys jeans. A lot of girls are wearing baggy pants these days." Chloe watched as Lex slammed the door closed and listened as he grunted to pull off the pants.

After they finally got some pants that didn't reveal so much, they moved onto the shirts and dresses.

"How much crap are you getting me!" Lex whined as he saw Lana layer a sixth shirt onto the growing pile. "I'm only getting enough clothes until I can pretend Lexiss has to go back to Iowa or Illinois or wherever the hell she's from!"

"Couldn't you have just left last night?" Chloe inquired as she grimaced at the putrid green color of a shirt she just pulled off the rack. Lex made a face and told her to put it back and picked a red one instead before answering.

"Yeah, well I was tired and it was one o'clock in the morning. I refused to walk. Where was I supposed to go. . . NOWAY, Lana. I'm not even going to look at it anymore." Lex and Chloe were looking at a formal dress.

It was long and the straps were very skinny and went down the back to form criss-crosses that ended just past the shoulder blades. The dress was a little deeper than stop sign red and sparkled. It was a beautiful dress.

"Come on, Lex. . . iss. What happens if your stuck at the mansion as the girl and he throws a party?." Lana waggled the dress in front of him so the sparkles caught the light.

"Why would he do that? This is my father we're talking about!"

"But what if he did?" Chloe joined in. Lex furrowed his eyebrows and scowled.

"I'd politely decline." Lex explained but Lana and Chloe weren't finished.

"What if you couldn't decline?" Lana pressured. Lex moved in closer.

"Look. . ." he hissed for the second time that day. "I would rather jump off the roof of the tallest building in Metropolis and land in a pool of hungry alligators than wear that dress to ANY STUPID PARTY THAT MY FATHER ISN'T EVEN GOING TO THROW!" he yelled in his normal voice causing quite a few shoppers to stare in his direction.

"But what if he does?" Lana asked, not phased by his yelling and still holding up the dress. Lex stared murderously at Lana for a good minute.

"Gimme the damn dress." Lex mumbled as he snatch it out of Lana's hand. "I'm telling you though," Lex said as he stomped off to the cashier. "my father isn't one to just decided to throw a party. Never!"

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**I bet you know where this is going. . . **


	8. ChApTeR EiGhT

**Although I made it kind of obvious in the last chapter where I was taking this, I'll still make it funny. . . don't worry, I'll squeeze Clark in there somewhere. . . **

ChApTeR EiGhT 

Clark had arrived at the mansion shortly after Chloe and Lex had left so he ventured to the club by himself to see if he could get any information. They kicked him out shortly after he wouldn't stop pestering them. One of the guards gruffly pointed out:

"You're not a girl," as he threw Clark out the door.

"I WAS! That's gotta count for something!" Clark called after the guards as they slammed the doors. He pulled himself off and brushed the dust off his butt before running off again. He returned home, not a hint out of breath, to see nobody home.

After searching the house for anybody at all, he decided to meander over to the Luthor mansion to see if anyone was home. As he took his time, doing short bursts of speed every now and then, he wondered if Lex had forgotten the whole ordeal already.

(------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------)

Clark entered the mansion at last and heard voices coming from the living room. He walked over to see the door open and he stood in the doorway and listened into the conversation.

"What the. . .!" Lex screeched in his normal voice again and Chloe clapped a slender hand over his mouth before he finished. She smiled politely at Lionel as he stared at the "three" women in front of him.

"It's just a party." He laughed at the shocked expression on Lexiss' face.

"Why a party?" Lana took a step forward and asked sincerely.

"Well, we opened another factory and it's doing exceptionally well. I, on a rare occasion, want to throw a party." Lionel explained himself, still amused by the face on his new "friend". Chloe had finally removed her hand from Lex's mouth and now he was opening his mouth up and down like a fish before finally speaking. When he did speak, he made sure to use his other voice but unfortunately said the wrong thing.

"Another one? I told you that you have to consult me before opening another factory! You never listen to me, ever! Can't you just cooperate for once in your life! If I could, I would. . . "

Realizing that the person yelling was Lex and that he must be making a big mistake, he sprinted into the room, grabbed Lex's arms from behind and dragged him out as he was still yelling. Chloe and Lana turned to the very confused face of Lionel.

"Is. . . is Lexiss. . . well?" he ventured to ask the two girls.

"Do you mean like ill or mentally insane?" Chloe couldn't help but smile as Lana put her head in her hand and shook her head.

"The second option, I would think." He laughed.

"I'm starting to get that feeling as well. She's always wanted to be a part of Luthor world you know. . ." Chloe tried to explain.

"How could you know that? You just met her, didn't you?"

"I. . . uh. . ."

While Chloe was busy trying to explain the impossible, Clark was standing out in the hallway with a panting Lex. Clark was doing most of the talking at the moment while clutching Lex's shoulders and shaking him gently every now and then.

"Get a hold of yourself Lex!" Clark whispered, shaking Lex again. "What is going on? Why are you still dressed like. . . this?"

Lex sighed and explained the whole story from when Clark dropped him off at the mansion in a hushed tone. Clark listened patiently and carefully, letting go of Lex's shoulders, before speaking once more.

"So how long are you going to put up with this disguise?"

"Not for much longer I hope. What he catches on. . ." Lex began but Clark interrupted.

"Maybe he already has."

"What?" Lex whispered and clutched Clark's forearms, leaning in a little closer. Clark, in a moment of excitement and revelation, did the same motion so their heads were almost touching, as if conspiring against the people in the next room.

Before Clark had a chance to explain his sudden idea, the front door slammed open and the sound of high heels began getting louder as they clicked down the hallway. Clark and Lex, still clutching each other's arms stared at the blonde woman who ignored the two in the hallway and entered the living room.

After a moment of standing doing nothing, the two in the hallway followed the blonde into the livingroom. The first thing Clark noticed was the fear in Lana's eyes. The blonde seemed too preoccupied in trying to talk to Lionel, that she didn't see Lana.

"What's the matter?" Clark whispered to Lana and she pointed a slightly trembling finger to the blonde.

"That's her, that's the one who kidnapped me."

"Excuse us kids, could you give us some privacy?" Lionel looked up from looking at a paper the blonde had handed him. The other four exited the room one by one, but not before the blonde saw Lana. She mouthed "hi" and Lana glared as the door closed.

"So, Lionel. Is everything going as planned?" The blonde smiled. Lionel smiled back.

"Of course. The fake kidnapping, the boys dressing up, the limo ride…" Lionel counted on his fingers before the blonde interrupted.

"Yes, how did the limo ride go? You know I was driving, couldn't see anything."

"Let's not ever bring that up again, shall we Miss Frasier?" Lionel's cheeks flushed slightly and Miss Frasier flipped her hair.

"Please Lionel, how many times must I tell you to call me Margaret."

". . . the limo ride," Lionel changed the subject back to what he was discussing. "Lex thinks I'm convinced he's a woman. I must say though, if he wasn't my son and I wasn't the wiser. . ." Lionel joked but straightened his face quickly. "I'm having the party tonight. They'll all be there, Lex wouldn't want to be alone dressed like he is, so you'll have to be careful."

"Don't fret Lionel. I know exactly what I'm doing. We'll find out what Clark's secret is. We know he has one." Margaret straightened her jacket and her pencil skirt before turning to the door.

"Oh, and Margaret?" Lionel called out. Margaret turned, her hand poised over the handle of the door.

"Yes, Lionel?"

"Wear the black dress. You always look so lovely in black."

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**Oooo. . . conspiracy. . . and the plot thickens. . .O.o **


	9. ChApTeR NiNe

ChApTeR NiNe

"Do you need help?" Lana called through the bedroom door.

"Not from you!" Lex called back, out of breath from struggling into the formal red dress bought earlier that day. The light was fading slowly and downstairs noises of a party were going on. Everyone invited had arrived and Lex was the only one who wasn't there.

Lana had noted the blonde standing the corner as if waiting for someone. Chloe had joined Lana and Clark, who showed without his parents. A maid approached the two girls, not Lionel, to tell them "Lexiss" was having trouble getting dressed.

"Should I get Clark?" Chloe laughed, ready to run down the stairs. There was a moment of silence in the room and Lex considered his options.

"Well. . . yeah. Please?" Lex sighed and collapsed on the bed, giving up until Clark showed. Chloe ran as fast as her high heels would carry her until she reached the stairs. She made her way halfway down the stairs and leaned in to see the room. Spotting Clark she whisper yelled.

"_CLARK! HEY, JAMES BOND!" _Clark turned at that, revealing he was wearing his dad's old tuxedo. He rolled his eyes and came up when she beckoned him. He smiled shyly, though he had no reason to be shy, and rolled his eyes again.

"James Bond?"

"Well, it got your attention, didn't it? Anyway, Lex is having a little trouble with his dress. He won't let Lana or me help him. Could you…"

"Okay." Clark sighed and let Chloe lead him to the room all the way at the end of the hallway.

"He's in there." Chloe pointed and Lana waved a quick hello to Clark as he slipped into the room. The two girls listened through the door and cracked up at what they heard…

"_What do you mean put my arm through there. . .!"_

"_Lex, will you stop. . ."_

"_How about you stop putting your hand there. . .!" _(which got extra laughs out of the two girls.)

"_I can't help you unless I don't! Now put. . . wait a sec. . ."_

"_What?" _(at this point Clark mumbled something and there was silence.)

"_Lex?" _(more silence.)

"_BACKWARDS!"_

Ten minutes later, Lex finally exited the room with the dress on the right way. Chloe and Lana were stunned for the first time in awhile. He did have an amazing figure and red was a great color on him. Lex saw everyone staring at him and began walking to the stairs.

"Can we just get this over with?" Lex realized nobody was following him. "Now? Please?"

"Oh, right, right. Sorry." Clark smiled awkwardly and followed, Chloe and Lana right behind. They finally made it down the stairs and into the party room.

Lionel noticed Lexiss standing lonely in the crowded room and approached her. Lex tried to smile, he really did, but he wasn't sure he could take the way his father looked at him anymore. If he wasn't so obsessed with himself at that moment, Lex would've noticed that the look Lionel was giving wasn't one of friendship or even love. It was a "I'm-going-to-find-out-your-friend's-secret" look.

"You look. . . tense. Have a drink. Meet some of my associates. Speaking of associates. . . I wonder where my son, Lex has gone off to. He was supposed to finish up a report on the Smallville factory last night and give it to me. . ."

"_crap! The report!" _Lex muttered to himself.

"Hmm?" Lionel looked away from Margaret to see what Lexiss was mumbling to herself.

"Oh, noth-nothing." Lex stammered. "I guess I will have a drink. Whatever you're having." Lex laughed before his father asked what he wanted. Lionel walked off and nodded to Margaret in the corner. She took a sip of her drink and then put it on a tray. She nodded back and slipped away.

Lionel turned to everyone in the room and silenced the crowd.

"Crowd around everyone, I have a long awaited speech to make." The guests laughed and crowded around in a circle. Lex stood somewhere in the back and Lionel looked up to see Margaret sneak up behind Lex.

So did Clark, unfortunately for Lionel. Just maybe not soon enough.

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**I apologize if that was a little shorter than the other chapters.**


	10. ChApTeR TeN

**My. Hair. Is. Green. GREEN! I'm being totally and honestly, well. . . honest. If any of you are curious as to why, visit my profile page and scroll to the bottom.**

ChApTeR TeN

"Lex!" Clark yelled out causing the crowd to turn, as well as Lex. Margaret cursed under her breath, but stared at Lex's face with total hatred and malevolence.

"Your in our way, bitch." She hissed and pulled out a knife. The guests screamed, mostly the females, and began either backing away or making for the door.

Lex was too shocked and angered that he was called a bitch to his face, that he didn't see the knife. Clark did and, without using his powers, ran at Lex and knocked him out of the way just in time.

Margaret regained her balance and, still clutching the knife, tried to work her way around Clark to Lex. Once she spotted an opening, she dove at the red head on the floor and landed on top of him. . . her. . . In the frenzy of kicks and hits from both Lex and Margaret, the knife was dropped.

Clark tried to focus but felt nauseated and dropped to his knees as he felt the strength being sucked out of him. Meanwhile, Lex finally was able to kick the woman off, finding high heels useful for something after all. Lionel had long disappeared and the three were the only ones left in the room.

"Clark, you idiot! Get up!" Lex called out, careful to use his female voice though he figured the woman had caught on anyway. Margaret lunged at Lex again and searched frantically for her knife. Lex found it first and managed to kick Margaret off again. He scrambled up and made his way to the nearest window.

The window was blowing in cool night air that smelled damp like it would rain any minute now and that the rain would pour from the sky. Lex launched the knife out of the window as Margaret who, in her desperation, resorted to crawling on the floor. She grabbed Lex's bare leg and pulled him down.

Clark finally recovered, the offending item gone, and shook his head to clear it. He finally saw Lex struggling with the blonde and began to run over.

"You're absolutely crazy! Where'd you come from, the Metropolis Mental Institution?" Lex yelled at the blonde as he tried to shake her off his leg.

"Something like that." She smiled crazily but her face suddenly twisted into a face of confusion and pain and her head dropped to the floor. He grip on Lex's leg loosened and Lex looked up to face Clark holding a fire extinguisher.

Clark smiled, glad to see Lex was alright. Lex smiled, wondering how it was possible his wig had stayed on during the fight. He really hoped Chloe hadn't super glued it to his head. Clark held out his hand and Lex offered and stood, but winced when he put his left foot down.

"You okay?" Clark asked sympathetically.

"I think I twisted my ankle when she grabbed my leg and I fell." Lex explained and both the men looked down surprised when they thought she had moved. It was nothing though, but Clark wasn't willing to take any precautions.

"Let's go. Here. . ." Clark took Lex's high heel's off. "Lean on me." Clark offered his shoulder and Lex gratefully complied. Clark tried to quicken the pace a Lex was being very cooperative about it. They were almost to the door when. . .

"WAIT!"

"What's wrong, Lex?" Clark stopped, fearing it was something important like a document or floppy disk. Instead, Lex limped towards a table near the door and picked something up from it. He limped back and leaned on Clark's shoulder again.

"Forgot my purse."

(-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------)

Twenty minutes later, they had gotten far enough away from the mansion for Clark to feel safe and they stopped walking.

"That was the strangest woman I've ever seen." Lex shook his head, causing his fake curls to wiggle and bounce.

"Yeah. Pretty weird." Clark agreed.

"I mean, did you hear what she said? 'You're in our way bitch.' Key word. . ."

"Bitch?" Clark guessed and smiled. His smile changed when he was corrected by Lex.

"No, although that was annoying. No, it was 'our'. Who else is involved? And what am I in the way of? Where'd my father go?"

"How about, where is everyone?" Clark called out into the night as large drops of water splattered everywhere.

"That's a decent question." Lex nodded as it began to rain harder. . . and harder. . . and harder. . .

"Any ideas?" Clark asked, not even trying to protect himself from the rain. He wondered how he was going to explain to his father how he let the tux get so ruined. He also hoped that Lex hadn't borrowed the dress from anywhere.

"You're the creative one. I'd rather not stand here though."

"Can you walk?" Clark asked moving closer to Lex, though he could barely see him in the pitch black Kansas nigh sky mixed with the sheets of rain.

"I think the main question is, can you see?" Lex sniffled and pulled at his dress, which was now uncomfortably sticking to his skin. His feet were cold and he pondered why before he realized Clark had removed them in the mansion so Lex could walk easier.

"Don't you have a cellphone in your purse?" Clark half teased. Lex glared, but knew Clark couldn't see him clear enough to care. He zipped open the purse and fished around until striking gold. He turned it on and then. . .

"Damn!"

"What? No signal?"

"Are you kidding? An open sky like this, there's a great signal." Lex shoved the unneeded cell phone back in his purse. He tucked it under his arm and sighed, trying not to lean to heavily on his bad ankle, while the mud ran through his toes.

"Then what's the problem?"

"No battery." Lex said after a minute of silence. "My legs are numb. You know, I would be enjoying this more if it wasn't so dark out." Lex looked up into the sky and immediately regretted it when he got rain in his eyes.

"I guess we're walking." Clark stated and felt his way over to Lex.

"Clark!"

"Sorry. Here, lean on me. Since your barefoot, do me a favor. Tell me when we've hit the road."

"This is going to take all night isn't it?" Lex asked before they set off. Clark sighed and spit some rain water that kept running into his mouth.

"I hope not." He answered honestly as they began to walk into the pitch black.

(-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------)

Two hours later, they had finally reached a house with it's lights still on. Clark had given Lex his jacket when he started shivering. Clark knew he could've used his powers, but that would mean Lex finding out and he felt that maybe it wasn't the best time to reveal a secret like that.

"Let's see if anybody's home." Clark croaked out, his voice slowly dying in the cold. He failed to recognize the house as Chloe's. Chloe was sitting inside with Lana and her father sipping tea after they had fled the mansion. They hadn't wanted to leave, but the crowd had jostled them and they thought it better to just leave.

Chloe's father arose when the doorbell rang and he made his way slowly to the door. He obviously wasn't fast enough for the person on the other side, for the bell rang again.

"I'm coming, I'm coming. Who could it be at such a late. . . Clark?" he asked in astonishment as he pulled the door open. "Who's that. . . Mr. Luthor?"

"Can we come in, please?" Clark begged.

"Of course, hurry. Chloe, get some towels and light the fire." Her father called into the livingroom as he ushered the pair into the livingroom.

"Clark? Lex? Oh my god, what happened?" Lana rushed to help lower Lex into a chair before Clark finally sat himself. The fire was blazing when Chloe returned, a bundle of towels in her arms.

"Guys? Geez, you look like hell." She handed them a bunch of towels each. Chloe's father removed Clark's coat from Lex and offered him a blanket instead. He moved to Clark next and offered him a blanket next.

"What happened?" Lana asked again as Chloe's father went to make more tea. Clark explained what happened after wrapping himself in the blanket and positioning himself in front of the fire.

"So she's from Metropolis, she crazy, she's working with someone else, and she needs Lex out of the way of something." Chloe clarified. Her father brought in the tea for Clark and Lex but only gave a cup to Clark. Lex had already fallen asleep.

"Chloe?" Her father pulled her to the side.

"Yeah, dad?"

"Get some of my clothes for Clark and Mr. Luthor."

"I think it would be best if I got some of my clothes for Lex."

"Why?"

"Because if Lionel comes here, he'll be expecting to see Lex as a girl." Chloe explained quickly.

"What is. . ." he began but Chloe stopped him and patted his hand.

"Don't worry, I'll explain it all in the morning." She called as she ran up the stairs.

"Yeah, how many times have I heard that before?" He mumbled and walked back into the livingroom.

(-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------)

Margaret finally stirred about the same time Clark and Lex arrived at the Sullivan residence. It was still raining and it was coming in through the open window and spraying her with cold drops. She clutched the back of her head and moaned in pain. There was no blood, but there was going to be a nasty bruise.

She pulled herself unsteadily up and scanned the room for her knife before remembering Lex had tossed it out the window.

"Hello?" she called out and Lionel creaked down the stairs and joined Margaret in the empty party room. He stared at her with something reminiscent of praise and anger mixed together.

"Well, well Miss Frasier. He got away. They both did." He folded his hands in front of him and paused in walking forward. Margaret still clutched the back of her head and stood shakily, her legs in awkward positions.

"I didn't know about the fire extinguisher. I would've had that removed if I had known it was an object worth my consideration." Margaret explained.

"Yes, yes. But don't worry. They're nearby, I'm sure. You take some rest in one of my guest rooms and we'll discuss this in the morning."

"Really? I'm not in trouble?" Margaret asked, almost as if she wanted to be in trouble.

"If you fail again, then yes, you will be. It was your first time in the real world after what, three years? I understand. Just don't mess up again." The two stood in silence and listened as the rain hit the windows and came through onto the floor.

"Who am I going after now?" Margaret smiled.

"You remember what we discussed."

"Ah, yes."

"Kidnapping his crush and trying to murder his best friend didn't reveal the secret."

"I understand." And before Lionel had a chance to disagree, Margaret snatched up car keys and disappeared.

"What would I do without you." He shook his head and laughed before going back to bed.

(-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------)

There was a polite knock on the door and, though disturbed from slumber, the house's occupants went to answer the door. They flung it open to face a woman, her mascara running down her dripping wet face. Her hair hung wet and limp down her back and the back of her head appeared swollen. A knife with green, glowing rocks affixed to the handle was clutched in her hand and there was a neurotic, maniacal smile on her thin, pale face.

"Can I help you?" Asked one of the occupants.

"I hope I wasn't disturbing your sleep. . . Mr. and Mrs. Kent. . ."

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**Ahh. . . don't you just lurve cliffhangers? **


	11. ChApTeR ElEvEn

ChApTeR ElEvEn

Clark's eyes shot open and he looked around, disoriented as to where he was at the moment. He finally recognized the room to be Chloe's livingroom and when he looked down he saw the clothes were not his. After blinking a few times he heard creaking on the floorboards and looked up to see Chloe smiling at him.

"Morning sleepy head. Do you always sleep this late at home?"

"Yeah. Where is everyone?" Clark looked around. Chloe looked up the stairs and sighed.

"Lana is trying to help Lex find some of my clothes that fit and my dad's at work."

"School!" Clark scrambled up, but Chloe stopped him by laying a hand on his chest.

"It's Sunday, big guy. Calm yourself." She smiled a big toothy grin, her eyes crinkling slightly.

"Do my parents know where I am?" Clark asked quickly, his eyes darting around the room again and he stood, now looking down at Chloe instead of up.

"No. We tried to call but. . ." Chloe began but there was clumping noises coming down the stairs and a frustrated sigh. Clark and Chloe looked to see Lex wearing a pink shirt and long denim skirt. A pink bandana was wrapped around his head and Lex said it was unnecessary but Lana just smiled. He absentmindedly put a hand on his hip as Lana joined him at his side.

"I'll do whatever it takes to get these back to you." Lex sighed again and scratched his head, moving the wig around a little.

"You can keep them. It looks better on you anyway." Chloe shrugged and Clark tried to stifle a laugh.

"Ha. Ha." Lex laughed sarcastically and made a face as he fixed the curly wig.

"What are you stuffing your bra with, anyway?" Lana finally, though sheepishly, asked. Lex looked down at his chest and back up at his friends.

"You don't want to know."

"I'm sure I don't." Clark smiled and shook his, stifling a laugh once more.

"I heard your question earlier Clark, and we're going to hitch a ride with Chloe back to the mansion. I'll drive you home."

"Thanks Lex." Clark found his and Lex's old clothes, now dry, by the ashen fireplace. The four friends piled into Chloe's car and she started it up, the engine rumbling. The tires splashed through deep puddles which smacked the windows with dirty water. Everyone was glad the window's were closed. They finally reached the mansion, the silence in the car almost unbearable.

"I'll have to park out here. Doesn't look like anybody's home." Chloe put her foot on the brake and craned her head to peer into the darkened windows of the monstrous house.

"That's strange. My father usually stays in on Sundays. Nevermind it though, let's just go and get one of my cars." Lex stumbled uncomfortably out of the car and slammed the door.

"There's something I'll never be able to say." Clark squeezed out of the car, pulling the bag of dry, wrinkled clothes behind him. Chloe and Lana waved goodbye and tore off, dirty water spraying everywhere.

"Why don't you ever criticize her about the speed she's going?" Lex pointed at the disappearing car.

"Because she's usually leaving when she goes that fast." Clark approached the gate and ran a hand through up the back of his head, messing his dark brown hair.

"Ouch." Lex commented and realized he had no key.

"We'll have to climb it." Clark looked up at it's massiveness.

"In this skirt?" Lex pointed at the tight denim skirt that was already difficult to walk in. Clark stared at Lex with curiosity and a little worry.

"I'm going to pretend I didn't hear you ask me that."

"Then how am I going to climb the gate?" Lex regretted asking when he saw the glint in Clark's eye and the smile dancing on his rosy lips.

(--------------------------------------------------------------------------------)

"I didn't know your plan involved ripping the skirt past my KNEES!" Lex looked embarrassingly down at his exposed legs while Clark smiled.

"You can walk now, can't you?"

"Yes. . . but. . ." Lex just growled deep in his throat as he flung open a cabinet lined with numerous car keys.

"So, you think your dad's home?" Clark asked to cover the silence.

"You know what Clark? I don't care." Lex snatched a key from the cabinet and slammed the door shut. "Let's just go and see what keys I grabbed."

They exited the mansion and scrambled to the cars. Lex found the one they needed and they squeaked into the leather seats. Before getting ready to drive, Lex removed the clunky shoes he was wearing, which made Clark laugh.

Most of the ride to Clark's farm was silent, neither man sure of what they should talk about. While they were at least five minutes away, Clark turned his attention away from the water splashed window to ask Lex a question.

"Do you think your father was anything to do with this?" Clark whispered as if he feared there were recorders in the car. Lex kept his eyes on the road and sighed, as he craned his head to spot the Kent farm.

"I wouldn't be surprised if he was."

"Well I. . ." Clark began to comment when he was thrown forward against his seatbelt when Lex suddenly slammed his foot on the brake. "What was that?" Clark asked, catching his breath, but Lex's eyes just widened as he stared. "Lex? What's the matter?"

Lex finally pulled up a shaking finger and pointed in front of him. Clark followed the finger and sat a moment before throwing the car door open so hard it came off. Lex followed after he turned off the car and joined Clark at his side.

The pair looked around with utter terror as they stared at the Kent Farm. Or what little was left of it. The house, the barn, the place the corn was kept. . .

The entire area had been burnt to the ground.

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**Sorry if that seemed really short. . . **


	12. ChApTeR TwELvE

**YAY! This is now officially my longest story! Celebrate by reviewing! ;)**

ChApTeR TwElVe

"Clark, I know your upset, but tearing through what's left isn't going to help. You need to calm down. . ." Lex tried.

"CALM DOWN! My home has been burnt to the ground and I have no idea if my parents were inside or not! You're telling me to calm down?" Clark began screaming but ended with a starched sob. Lex was unsure of what to do. Should he stand where he was and watch his friend suffer or go over and comfort him?

He decided on the second option, but only managed in tripping over a piece of charcoaled wood. He slowly began to pick himself up when he felt a hand clutching his arm. Lex looked up to see Clark helping. He gratefully accepted and stood amidst the rubble with his friends.

"We know your father. He most likely got him and Mrs. Kent out safely."

"Most likely?" Clark smiled only for a second before frowning again.

"Sorry."

They stood some more before picking their way through the rubble to search for hopeless clues. Lex was suddenly struck with an idea and started walking back to the car, calling Clark after him. Clark reluctantly left the mess to join his friend as the engine started and they roared onto the road.

"Where are we going?" Clark looked as Lex traveled through the main street of Smallville, stopping at a large brick building. "The firehouse?" he paused in thought. "The firehouse!" The idea hit him as he scrambled out of the car.

"Maybe I should handle this. . ." Lex wobbled up next to Clark, apparently forgetting what he looked like at the moment. Clark looked his friend up and down, a playful smirk dancing on his lips.

"Yeah, they'll really believe a woman walking into their firehouse claiming that they're Lex Luthor."

"Oh, yeah. Maybe you should go first." Lex pulled at his shirt and tried to, unsuccessfully, pull his skirt down to what he considered a 'less offending and provocative' height. Clark smiled helpfully at his friends gesture to contain composure despite what he was wearing.

The local Smallville firehouse was small but quick to respond to fires when they were needed on the spot. Clark walked through the front door no problem, with his 'girlfriend' following close behind.

"Excuse me, chief!" Clark called out and the pudgy, soot dusted man turned to face the overpowering teenager and his slightly masculine girlfriend. . . with nice legs.

"Hey pal! Eyes up here, big shot!" Lex found himself shouting to the chief who looked up startled. He turned his attention to the questioning teen.

"What can I do you for, son?" he smiled tartly as if trying to hide a secret under his tongue. Clark didn't seem to notice the fakeness of the smile and continued.

"Did you get a report about a fire at the Kent Farm last night?" Clark asked carefully, dancing around the fact he was a Kent himself. The chief looked up sharply from studying his hands. _Did he just ask me what I think he did? Damn, how did he know. Think of something good, Charlie. . ._ Chief Charlie thought to himself.

"Well. . . no. Was there a fire? Everyone okay? We should've gotten a call, that's strange. . ." Charlie looked for the supportive and agreeing faces of his co-workers, but they had all managed to slip away when the question was first asked.

"The place has been burned to the ground and you got nothing. . .!"

Lex could see the anger and fury flash in his best friends eyes and ended up grabbing his best friends shoulder in comfort.

"Apparently, these idiots know nothing. They can't even learn to keep there eyes IN THE RIGHT PLACES!" The last part was directed at Charlie who was then taking in Lex's fake breasts. Clark let Lex drag him out and back into the car.

"Something's not right. . ." Clark stared at the firehouse as it passed by when Lex deftly made a perfect U-turn.

"Either they really had no idea, which I highly doubt, or they're covering for someone." Lex sighed.

"Where are we going?" Clark changed the subject.

"I need some coffee." Lex parked in front of the Talon, which is technically not allowed. A police woman happened to walked by as Lex was exiting the car.

"Excuse me miss, only the owners are allowed to park in that spot."

It took Lex a moment to realize that the cop was talking to him and he turned to face her frustratingly.

"I am an owner!" Lex didn't realize his mistake. The police woman laughed and stared over her sunglasses, unneeded on the overcast day.

"Sure you are sweetie. Move the car."

"SWEETIE?" Lex yelled, but in his anger was careful to keep the feminine voice on. "Excuse me? I find that very. . . very. . . rude! I want an apology."

"Geez lady. . ." the police woman raised her hands as if surrendering, but she was far from it. ". . . take a breather. And while your at it, move the car."

"Oh, so now I'm dutifully named 'lady', am I? That's nice. What's next? Darling? Or perhaps something more forceful?" Lex wasn't sure why he was overreacting the way he was, but quickly concluded that the stress of being dressed the way he was and all that has happened was finally getting to him. Neither noticed Clark getting in the car until it started moving. "Where're you going!" Lex screeched.

"I'm. Moving. The. Car." Clark said slowly as he moved the car a couple of feet up. The police woman nodded quickly to the teen before shaking her head.

"Thank you son. You might want to teach your girlfriend some manners." She walked off.

"Teach me some manners? ME! HA! I'm not his GIRLFRIEND!" Lex yelled after her and Clark embarrassingly grabbed his friends arm and dragged him into the coffeehouse.

Lana looked from talking to Chloe when she saw her friends enter. Chloe looked up from her steaming mug and waved for them to come over, which was a pointless intimation, since they were doing so anyway. Lana was the first to notice the ash on Clark's hands. Chloe was first to notice the dramatic difference in the length of her skirt.

"It wasn't that short when I let you borrow it, was it?" She raised an eyebrow at Lex. Lex looked down at the skirt and then confused and startled up at Chloe.

"Borrowed! You said I could keep it! You said it looked better on me!"

"I was kidding! I lend you a skirt and you rip it to shreds. That's the last time I lend you my clothes."

Lana snorted into her coffee and let the two battle it out while she turned to Clark.

"What'd you get on your hands?" Lana offered a napkin to Clark, who studied his soot covered hands carefully before wiping most of it off.

"Lex and I drove back to my farm. . ." Clark swallowed as he tried not to cry. ". . .it's gone Lana. Everything has been burnt to the ground."

Lana dropped her coffee and Chloe put a hand to her mouth, her and Lex's conversation finished minutes ago.

"Are your parents alright?" Chloe asked.

Meanwhile, in a secluded corner of the Talon and slender hand reached down and laid a tip on the table. The coins clattered with more noise than was necessary. Instead of leaving, the body sat a moment, staring at the cellphone so confidently placed on the table.

As soon as the cellphone rang, the hand picked it up and, brushing some blonde hair away from their ear, answered.

"Hello, Margaret Frasier speaking. Oh yes, Lionel. They know. Don't worry, they're secure and safe. . . for the moment." She smiled wickedly and, the phone still clutched to her ear, she slid out the front door.

(------------------------------------------------------)

Chloe was overjoyed to be allowed to drive Lex's car, even though it was such a short distance to the high school. When they parked in the lot, Chloe slipped to the front door and pulled out a key.

"Where'd you get a key to the front door of the school?" Clark asked jealously.

"It was a gift." Was all Chloe said as she led the pair down the dark and echoing hallways. She pulled another key out of her bag and opened the door to the Torch office. She zoomed into her chair and turned on the computer.

"What are we looking for exactly?" Lex leaned over Chloe's shoulder to stare at the screen as she logged onto the internet.

"Well, you keep bringing up this blonde woman. Maybe she's a Metropolis Mental Institute escapee."

"I doubt she's an escapee. Those places are a pain to try and break out of. . ." Lex stared at the puzzled expressions on his friends faces and quickly covered up. "Not that I'd know or anything. Just a guess."

"Anyway. Do either of you remember anything important she said during the scuffle last night?" Chloe asked carefully. Lex closed his eyes and thought hard. . .

"_You're absolutely crazy! Where'd you come from, the Metropolis Mental Institution?" Lex yelled at the blonde as he tried to shake her off his leg. _

"_Something like that." She smiled crazily. . . _

"Maybe she did get out of the institution. . ." Lex mused before explaining his reasoning and the short words exchanged between the two. Chloe did some quick clicks and typed a few words. She found the information in no time.

"Here, look." Chloe pointed at the screen to the face of a familiar face. The hair was a deep brunette though, instead of blonde. "It says here, a month ago a woman by the name of Margaret Frasier was let out of the Metropolis Mental Institution. 'She's highly dangerous and whoever paid to let her out is making a big mistake. She is capable of killing and has no remorse about it. She'll do whatever needs to be done to reach her goal.' Says Dr. Abraham, head psychologist at MMI. Lionel Luthor himself is rumored to have sent the request to let her go, as to why, the secret is kept comfortably covered up.""

The trio looked back and forth to each other before anybody actually said anything worth saying.

"I should've KNOWN my father had something to do with this!" Lex sent a lamp flying in his frustration. Normally, Chloe would protest, but she felt like throwing something as well. How could things get so out of hand as usual?

There thoughts were interrupted when a tinkling of glass was heard out in the hallway. The trio looked to each other again and, against Clark's dissent, followed him outside. Chloe clutched a heavy book in her hand and Lex had removed his shoes, ready to fling them.

Chloe was trailing behind and there was a loud thunk from behind Clark and Lex. They turned to see Margaret standing over the unconscious body of Chloe, the handle of the knife raised, not trying to hide what she had done.

Clark immediately reacted to the green meteor rocks that taunted him from the knife handle and he collapsed. Margaret assumed he was just upset about Chloe and she took a chance and slammed the butt of the knife handle into the back of Clark's head. In his already weakened state, the blow knocked him right out.

Only Lex was left face to face with the crazy lady.

"What the hell do want from me and my friends!" Lex yelled and threw his shoe at the woman's head when she moved closer. She reacted quickly with the direct hit and let her head get thrown back. She shook her head to clear it and acted like nothing happened. Lex threw the other shoe in desperation, but this time it missed.

"What do I want? The truth." She laughed and Lex could do nothing as the butt of the knife handle collided with the back of his head.


	13. ChApTeR ThIrTeEn

**A/N: Isn't it funny that my longest and second most reviewed story is the one I thought was going to be short and not read? I guess more people like Lex in drag than I thought. . . **

**Note: in dialogue, when the character whispers **_it's written like this._

ChApTeR ThIrTeEn

Clark was the first to awaken, as he had suspected when he was first knocked unconscious.

"Man, I feel like someone's been hitting me with a wet noodle!" he groaned to himself and easily broke out of the rope tied around his wrists. Truthfully, someone had been hitting him, but not with a wet noodle.

He stood up in time to hear a groan from a chair not far off from his and, as he squinted in the dark, the only light was sun penetrating through bars on a very small window, he thought he saw a girl. Clark wasn't sure if it was Lex or Chloe so he moved carefully, making sure to use his super hearing to make sure nobody else was around.

"Clark?" the body whispered and Clark saw it to be Lex, with Chloe next to him awakening not too long after. Clark put his finger to his lips and Lex nodded. Clark tore the ropes off. "_How'd you do that?" _Lex whispered.

"_The knots are tied really badly._" Clark lied as he moved on to Chloe, removing her rope as well. Lex rubbed his head.

"_Man, I feel like someone's been hitting me with a raw steak!_" Lex whispered and shakily stood, using the chair he was tied to as support. Yes, someone had been hitting both Clark and Lex, but it wasn't with a raw steak. Chloe was the last to stand and she seemed steadier than Lex was, though she rubbed her wrists to bring back the feeling.

"_Great, I feel like someone's been hitting me with the fourth Harry Potter book._" Because we all know how god-forsaken THICK that was. She was correct in saying that, someone had been hitting Clark, Lex and Chloe, but it wasn't with the book. They were all wrong because a jet could run over Clark and it would feel like a wet noodle, Lex had once been beaten with a raw steak and that is what he felt like at the moment and Chloe. . . well, she was just trying to be witty. It didn't work.

The trio stood and finally observed their surroundings the best they could. The room was dark with only two tiny barred windows. Pipes were left uncovered and every five minutes or so there was a "whoosh" noise and water dripped to the cement hardened floor. Spider webs swayed in every corner, though only one of them was occupied.

"_Is anyone besides me curious as to what that noise is coming from the pipes?_" Lex whispered to his companions.

"_I have heard that noise before. . . ohhh. . . I can't seem to. . ._" Chloe closed her eyes tightly as she tried to remember where she heard it before. Suddenly, her eyes flashed open and her face showed nothing but utter confusion.

"_What's wrong? Chloe, are you okay?_" Clark put a nervous hand on her shoulder as another 'whoosh' came by and cold water dripped on Clark's shirt and head.

"_I've heard this noise before. _When somebody FLUSHES THE TOILET!" Chloe forgot she was supposed to be quiet and blurted out with laughter. Lex and Clark both clamped their hands over her mouth.

"_Real funny, Chloe. Okay, we have to find some way out of here._" Clark ventured to take his hand off his friends mouth, and looked around. He knew he would be able to rip the bars off the windows, but it would do them no good. None of them would be able to fit.

The three friends silently crept around and Lex was so preoccupied with finding a way out and jumping with fright at the spiders, he didn't notice his shoes were missing until he stepped in a puddle.

"_WHERE ARE MY SHOES?" _Lex shook the water off his foot and stared down.

"_Your shoes?_" Chloe looked up at Lex, for really, the shoes were hers. Clark ignored their conversation and scanned around. He used his x-ray vision but saw nothing beyond the walls except dirt and a couple of dead bodies in coffins. He thought he saw one of the bodies move around in the wooden coffin as if trying to escape, but he disregarded it as a trick of the eye. Suddenly, he spotted on the far wall a small amount of light streaming from a hidden light source.

He pulled his friends behind him and reached nothing other than a stairway.

"Well that's lucky." Chloe had grown tired of whispering.

" I don't care. Let's go up them. I gotta get out of here." Lex cleared his throat. Clark tried to stop them from speaking loudly, but gave up and took his place in front of the group.

"I'll go first. Maybe you guys should grab some protection or something." He noticed the looks on his friend's faces. "It's just a suggestion." Chloe picked up a handy wooden bar on the floor, and Lex, having run out of shoes to throw, ran back and retrieved some rope.

"Let's just do this." Lex sighed and coughed out of nervousness. They charged up the steps in a primitive fashion, yelping and waving their weapons the entire time, trying to appear menacing.

"ARRRGGGGG. . .!" Clark kicked open the door and, still yelping, the three friends charged up the remainder of the steps. But as they reached their destination they stopped, their hands poised in the recent position of getting ready to strike.

They had emerged into a busy hallway that appeared to be filled with men and women dressed finely in pressed suits. Nobody threw them any glances, to preoccupied to care, and continued to walk by. The friends looked around, astonished. They had been kidnapped, only to be thrown into the basement of an office building?

It was hard to believe, Lex pointed out ten minutes later when they had discarded their unneeded weapons and began making their way down the many twists and turns.

"This is amazing."

"What?" Clark turned to face Chloe. Lex looked identically surprised and his face matched Clark's almost creepily.

"Well, the woman we're looking for, Margaret, must have some respect if she could get us in here."

"Or they're all too afraid of her to say anything." Put in Lex.

Clark passed by a door and doubled back to check he read the sign on it right.

" 'DO NOT ENTER UNLESS YOU WANT TO PERISH'?" Clark read it out loud and began to laugh. "How weird is that. Don't you think with a sign like that, more people would want to go inside?"

"Yeah, that's true. Unless. . . unless whoever taped that up wants people to go inside." Chloe shrugged and reached for the door handle. Lex snatched her wrist and pulled it away.

"I'm tired, my feet are cold, my head itches and aches at the same time and I feel as if I've been beaten with a raw steak! Can we please just leave!"

"But my parents. . . what if they're down there, Lex? You want to just leave them?" Clark gave puppy dog eyes and pouted out his lower lip. Lex looked from Chloe to Clark and finally sighed, letting go of Chloe's wrist. The door was unlocked and she pulled it open a smidge when she heard from inside:

"Enter."

Then, she paused and looked back at Clark and Lex. She gave them an "oh shit" look. Clark was suddenly hit with a thought he felt the need to interject with.

"Lex, I thought you twisted your ankle."

"Oh. . . I guess she just pulled it funny or something. It's fine now."

"Okay. Just wondering." Clark turned back to the door and Chloe cleared her voice.

"Sorry, wrong room. We're new." She went to close the door until. . .

"New? Well, you opened the door now. Come on in."

They had no choice but to step inside. A handsome, middle aged man swiveled around to face the trio. He clasped his hands together and took in the sight before him. To the right stood a tall, muscular looking boy with brown hair and rosy lips. In the middle stood a blonde teenager who he could tell right away to be the journalistic type. On the left was a woman who, if you cut her hair and put her in man's clothing, would look strangely like a man . . .

"Who . . ." Chloe immediately jumped in with the questions.

"My name is Richard Bixley. I'm the boss at this corporation." He scanned the trio again. "You do know you're supposed to wear suits to work, don't you?"

"Oh, whoops!" Lex giggled and almost slapped himself for it.

" . . . and shoes." Richard looked to Lex's feet. "You don't work here, do you?"

"No." Clark admitted despite an elbow from Chloe and a groan from Lex.

"Then what are you doing here?" Richard asked. Clark opened his mouth but paused and closed it again. Why was he answering this man's questions without thinking about the consequences? Why, all of sudden, had Chloe grown speechless? And why, oh why, was Lex acting extremely feminine?

"We. . . we have to go." Clark spoke hurriedly and began pushing his friends out the door.

"I can't let you do that." He smiled and sneakily made his way to the door, reaching for the lock.

"Oh, yes you can!" Lex laughed and pushed the man out of the way, giving the trio ample time to escape the room. They just heard as they turned a corner Richard calling for security.

"This is just getting stranger and stranger by the second!" Chloe gasped as the friends clambered into the boiler room and hid in the back.

"I'll have to agree. This has been the strangest couple of days of my life." Lex rubbed his sore feet. They looked around for another means of escape and found none. The resorted to waiting until they were sure everyone forgot about them. Restless, Clark decided to explore the room, every now and then using his x-ray vision.

Suddenly, Clark cried out and there was a loud thump. Lex and Chloe rushed over to Clark and stared open mouth to see he had pulled a loose piece of the wall away to reveal a wide, dark passage.

"I'm not going in there Clark." Chloe shook her hands along with her head as she raised and eyebrow.

"I'll have to agree with our trepid reporter about this Clark. We have no idea where this goes."

"Guys, what if my parents are in there?" he used the excuse again. They were about to disagree again when there was loud banging on the door. They all turned to hear:

"We know you're in there kids! Come out quietly or we'll have to use force!"

Chloe and Lex exchanged looks before staring down at Clark, who was already on his knees. Clark understood and began to crawl, the other two close behind. Once they were far enough into the tunnel they stopped and, in the dark, listened. Security had finally gotten in the room and, to Chloe and Lex, it was vague murmurs only catching the obvious word. To Clark, with the aid of his super hearing, everything was clear.

"Where'd they go? They can't just disappear like that. . ."

"Hey boss. . ." Clark pieced together the man was talking to Richard. "Look, there's a tunnel in the wall. They must've gone through it." There was silence and Clark turned to feel for his friends and whispered.

"_You did remember to put the piece of wall back, right?_"

"_Are you nuts? I was amazed even you could lift it!_" Lex whispered back and Chloe nodded until realizing no one could see her. They heard scuffling behind them.

"CRAP!" Chloe squeaked and pushed Lex, who in turn pushed Clark. "Go, go, go!" Lex whispered. After what seemed like forever, they finally saw the light. The friends emerged from the dark tunnel covered in dust and god knows what.

There jaw's hit the floor.

Three minutes later, two security guards and Richard came stumbling out behind them. Richard's suit was visibly ruined and the guards pulled out their guns. But they weren't pointing them at the three people in front of them.

For right in the middle of the room were two chairs.

In the chairs were two people tied up.

These people were the Martha and Jonathon Kent.

And they weren't moving.

( ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------)

**bum, bum, bum. **


	14. ChApTeR FoUrTeEn

ChApTeR FoUrTeEn

"Mom! Dad!" Clark called out and went to see them, but Lex pulled him back and put his manicured finger to his lips. Clark stared suspiciously and smirked. "When did you do that?" he laughed, pointing to the finger. Lex grimaced and pulled his hand away.

"Bring that up with Lana. She made me do it." He shoved the topic off and pointed at the unconscious Kents. "That could be trap. Some giant… giant… thing could come down on us the moment we step over there!"

"Would somebody please tell me what two people tied to a chair are doing in my building!" Richard boomed and pushed his way forward, almost knocking over Chloe.

"Somebody kidnapped my parents. My friends and I think it was a woman by the name of Margaret Frasier."

"Isn't she crazy? Bonkers? Cracked? Batty? Mental? Flaky? Flipped? Nuts? Schizo? Wacky? Unglued? Unhinged? Unzipped? Totally and completely out of her…"

"Thank You." Clark put up his hands to make him stop. It was a surprise he let him go on that long. "Okay. Chloe. You stay here with the walking Thesaurus. Lex…iss and I will go investigate."

"Why do I have to go?" Lex moaned, getting really tired of using his fake voice.

"Because. That's how it always goes. You and me go find the evil doers together. Like a team or something…" Clark trailed off at the end, trying to be mysterious… or hinting at something and Lex decided to stay with the mysterious part. Lex and Clark slowly inched forward.

"Clark. If someone had asked your name while you were still dressed as a girl, what would you have said?" Lex asked quietly.

"What kind of question is that?" Clark furrowed his eyebrows and laughed nervously.

"Just answer the damn question!"

"I dunno, Clarkina maybe."

"That's it? You'd put an "-ina" at the end and be done with it?"

"You put an "-iss". It can't be much better."

"At least my name sounds like could belong to a girl!"

"And what does mine sound like?"

"Like a man trying to be woman. He's got the look but gave it away with the name. Clarkina isn't even a real name found in the English language… or ANY language…"

Meanwhile, Chloe, Richard, and the security were watching Clark and, as they knew him (or her), Lexiss inch closer to the bodies.

"What are they speaking about?" Richard looked down at Chloe intently. Chloe looked up and smiled cheekily.

"Paranoid?"

"No." Richard looked confused. "Just interested. So, are you a journalist?"

"Yeah. How'd you guess?" Chloe brightened up even more and moved closer to Richard. He was unsure what he gesture meant, so he just cleared his throat.

"You looked really annoying. Like someone who has a tendency to step into people's personal space." Richard put emphasis on the last two words, but Chloe ignored him and moved a little closer.

"I'm not as annoying as I seem. Some people think I'm a crybaby, but I also enjoy taking charge."

"What are you doing! I'm 44, for goodness sake!" Richard erupted, throwing his hands into the air.

"So?" Chloe looked slightly disappointed. She couldn't quite understand what he meant. All she was trying to do was to be friends. Richard mistook her for the second time that day and shuddered.

"I need to be alone." He whimpered and walked off near the exit of the tunnel, sat down, and pulled out his iPod. He turned it on and placed the ear buds steadily into his ears.

"Is he a little…" Chloe made a turning motion with her finger at her head and looked to the head security guard, a young muscular man.

"Isn't everyone?"

(------------------------------------------------------)

Margaret watched from a window above the room and laughed that nobody seemed to bother looking up. Her blonde hair bounced when she laughed. It wasn't the only thing that bounced when she laughed, and the henchman at her side was having a hard time not focusing on the hair.

"Those fools! I seems they've forgotten to look up. Look at them. Almost to my trap. Once they step on that exact spot… BOOM!"

Now, let me take a moment to explain something. Margaret, in fact, had set no trap. There was no button or bomb ready. Her plan was faulty. She was talking so loud that even Richard with his ear buds in would hear her. Her henchman was the building's janitor and the only weapon he possessed was a mop.

"But… miss… there's nothing there." The janitor explained simply.

"Hush! Ready your weapon!" Margaret ordered. The janitor shrugged and held his mop at a "threatening" position. "Here!" Margaret pulled a large rope from a trunk at her feet and held onto the one end. She did not tie the other end to anything. "We'll climb down the rope and surprise them."

Margaret threw the rope at the window and it hit the glass, causing it to bounce back and land with a thud. The janitor dropped the menacing stance and opened the window.

"Miss…"

"Thank you henchman! Pick up your weapon! We're ready to attack!" Margaret pulled out a very large gun and tossed the rope out the window. The entire rope went flying out the window and it all disappeared. The two people scurried to the window and stared at the heap of rope at the bottom.

"Miss…" the janitor warned again.

"It's perfect!" Margaret cackled. "Quick before they see! GO!" and she pushed him out the window.

(-----------------------------------------------------------)

Clark looked up just in time to rush under where the janitor was falling and catch him. The janitor clutched his mop and ran over to stand by Richard without so much of a word.

"Wonderful!" a female voice called out. Clark looked up as did everyone else occupying the room. Well, except Martha and Jonathon. They were still unconscious.

"You! What have you done to my parents!" Clark yelled.

"I will climb down and tell you!" Margaret disappeared and eventually returned, throwing one end of a rope out the window. She expertly climbed down and landed cat-like on her feet.

"But… but…" the janitor stammered. Richard finally stood and stared in shock.

"I've seen her before!" he exclaimed. Margaret turned to him and smiled.

"You better believe it… sir." She began to walk forward. Clark and Lex were too busy trying to figure out why Margaret pushed an old man out of a window to notice.

My, god! You're my secretary!"

"Was your secretary. Until you fired me! Now look! I'm psychotic! Nuts! Unhinged! Cuckoo! Bonkers! Cracked! Absolutely and totally out of my…"

"What are you doing! Leave me alone!" Richard made the sign of the cross in front of him.

"You idiot!" Margaret crowed. "You never were quite stable, we you?" she reached out with ease and curled her fingers around Richard's neck. With the after effects of meteor rock infused strength (why Clark hadn't felt it is still a mystery), she lifted him off the ground. The security officers had long run away. Clark finally noticed something was going on and ran over. Margaret heard him coming. She threw Richard against the wall and he smacked into it. Something cracked and he slid down the rest of the wall, landing on a heap on the floor.

Chloe rushed over to him and begged the crack wasn't his head or his back. It was okay, Chloe breathed. It was just his iPod.

"You have issues!" Lex cried. Clark gave him a look and stepped forward.

"If you've killed him or mortally wounded him, you are so dead! For all I know, my parents are dead as of this moment."

"Oh, b-o-o h-o-o!" she spelled and rolled her eyes. "You don't think I could do the same to you?" She paused. "Or your girlfriend?"

"Leave my girlfriend alone!" Clark yelled dangerously and stepped in front of Lex. He blinked a few times and looked back at Lex, who was sharing the same expression. "I… um… heh, heh." He tried to laugh.

At that moment, Jonathon decided to wake up. He took one look at Clark (and woman he'd never seen before) standing in front of the blonde who kidnapped them and Chloe crouching down next to a man in a business suit who had begun to bleed from his head and was obviously unconscious. He yelled the first things to come to his mind.

"Holy shit! This looks like an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer!" Which in all truth, could have been possible. There was redhead, a blonde girl, a brunette guy, a man in suit who did a bad job fighting, and a girl who looked pretty evil.

He decided to go back to sleep.


End file.
